Little Butterfly - Book 2
by RedRosey18
Summary: I had fallen in love and it destroyed me. I was still trying to climb out of the hole I created. To mend the bridge's I had burned and to rebuild the relationships I had destroyed. Was there even a chance for me? Did I deserve to have that chance? Could I learn it was okay to just be me?
1. New Beginnings

**First chapter - New Beginnings**

It had been a year

An entire year had come and went like a breeze through the leaves of a tree. There were parts that I didn't want to remember and others that I wanted to relive over and over again. I had fallen over and over and over again on my road to recovery. I had more relapses then I'd like to think off and every time I thought I was getting better, I wasn't.

Nii-chan would look at me with those eyes that showed of disappointed and of how ashamed he was of me. I tried to hide it but eventually it would come out. He was always looking for more scares or a change in attitude. I tried, I really did. With all my heart and soul I tried not to do it. Sometimes, some days the fillings of anxiety and fear became too much. I didn't know if it was because I didn't know a better way or if it was because I didn't want another way and then I'd cut.

It wasn't as if I was trying to kill myself or anything like that. Most of time I think people got the wrong idea about why I did it. I really couldn't blame them though as I had tried to kill myself and not too long ago at that. I wanted to cope with the emotions that welled up inside me and flowed around my spirt like a never ending river.

Maybe I didn't give myself enough credit. I had gotten better, most the time I was able to keep going, to not hurt myself, to not be too hard on myself. I tried not to think about my feelings; I needed to just keep moving forward. I knew it wasn't helpful to myself to not think of these things but I knew if I did I would be right where I was before.

And that's why I decided to leave.

It wasn't an easy decision. Nii-chan tried to forbidden me from doing so but honestly it wasn't his decision to make. I am an adult, therefor I needed to act like one and make my own choices. Being where I was wasn't making me better. Every time I saw Usami it brought for worth everything I had tried to move on from. I still loved him, that wouldn't ever change but the way things were I would never be able to be with him when every time I looked at him all I saw was the hurt I had inflicted.

I didn't want to think about how worthless I was. I didn't want to think about how much of a burden I had become, and most of all I didn't want to think about all the rifts I had put in the lives of those I loved the most. I needed time to be me and time to learn what it was to be me. I needed that time away from anyone who knew the me from before.

I left

I went to America and I spent 6 months there. It was only a small taste of what it's like to on my own but it was more than enough. It was hard. I spent most of the time thinking about Usami, which was ironic considering I went there to get away from thoughts about it. It truly showed me how deep my love for him went. My time was spent working at a library, it was fun and I met a lot of really great people.

There were some who were interested in me romantically but even the thought of anyone like that repulsed me, regardless of if they were male or female. I made a lot of friends as well and it was fun going to social gatherings. It was hard to learn how to balance bills and having enough money but I did it and that made me feel good. I had promised Nii-chan I'd see a therapist out here but I never did.

I didn't want, after being in therapy since I had tried to kill myself the first time I didn't want to anymore. I didn't want to face what I had done and have to talk about it more then I already had especially with someone new. I talked to Nii-chan once a week and since I had left I hadn't talked to Usami even once.

My heart ached for him but I knew it was needed. I also knew I was possible once I got back that he would have moved on and he could be with someone else. That was a risk I was willing to take, I was unsure if even know I could be with him and I couldn't hold him back with my selfish desires. I couldn't handle that.

I knew that my mind was still fragile and honestly I should have stayed longer than the 6 months that I did stay. It would have been healthier for me. My heart yearned to see Usami and to be home. Home truly is where the heart was. I knew I'd miss the people I had met here but I would always carry the experiences I had there with me.

I hadn't made as much progress as I wish I had. Even now a year later my feelings of self-doubt and worthless followed my like a ghost. In my time in America I had picked up the nasty habit of smoking, I didn't feel bad for it though because every time I wanted to cut, I'd go out and smoke a cigarette and the feeling would go away. It allowed me to cope in a new way. Maybe not a better, healthier way but in a different way and that was more than anything I could ask for.

Getting off the flight from America and stepping back into where my home was, was like a breath of fresh air. I had missed it here; I had missed Nii-chan and all the things that were familiar to me. With the breath of fresh air came a moment of pain and regret for coming back.

Was I ready?

Would I ever be ready?

I already knew the answer. I would never be ready to face what I had done and try to repair the relationships with Usami and Nii-chan. One thing I had learned from being in America was that I would never be ready and I need to be okay with that. It was the same as there never being a perfect moment or a right time to do something, I just needed to do it and learn to be okay with the results. It was time to stop running away and as I went up the escalator to the area where those waiting for those coming off the flights I could feel my stomach turning with an emotion I couldn't quite place.

It was time.

 **Please R & R**

 **Hey, it's been a long time but I started writing again and the first thing I wanted to do was to try and write the second book. I really don't have any ideas where this story is going to take me so if anyone has any ideas let me know.**

 **As always, I enjoy hearing from everyone so any comments, concerns, question, advice or just to chat PM me!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Hope it's alright**

Nii-chan was the first person I saw, just seeing his face made me smile. He stood there in his normal jeans and a blue shirt, arms crossed as he hadn't seen me yet. When he did notice me, a giant smile broke out on his face. Not one of those fake smiles but a true genuine I'm happy to see you smiles. That alone made all my anxiety and doubt about coming back fade into the background of my mind. My eyes shifted to the left and my breath hitched into my throat.

Standing next to Nii-chan was Usami.

It felt amazing and terrible at the same time to see him. His beautiful eyes shown like glimmers in the light and a small smile formed on his face. He was as beautiful as the first day I had seen him. Just like that all the adoration and love I had for him came rushing back. My heart swelled with joy and tears sprung to my eyes.

At the same time it was rather bittersweet. For everything I felt, would he ever know how deep it went? I never actually told him I loved him. I had never said it in so many words. We had gone out a few times under the guises of 'getting me out of the house'. I didn't think Nii-chan notice anything more then it being a friendly outing and even then I wonder how Usami really felt. He did ask me to go out with him, but dating and actually being together are very different things.

Even saying that, it was nearly a year ago. Feelings change that I clearly understand from the way that Nii-chan and Usami were able to move on from each. In fact Nii-chan had already proposed to his girlfriend of 6 months - Kajiwara Manami. My pretty nurse who watched over me when I first…did what I did. It was quite a surprise when he told me but at the same time I couldn't help but be happy for him.

I didn't get to see Usami's reaction, and I sometimes wonder what exactly went through his mind when he found out. I wondered if it truly was possible for them to not have emotions for each other anymore. I knew they still had friendly feelings for each other. In fact they had become the best of friends over the months. It really shouldn't have surprised me that Usami was here but it still did.

I couldn't imagine he had any feelings left for me

I had to remind myself that it was okay if he didn't, I felt the pain crawl up my spine but this time I let it go. I pushed it to the back of my mind with all the other things I didn't want to focus on or think about. Right now I just wanted to focus on this moment as it truly was a happy moment. They were happy to see me and I was happy to see them.

Nii-chan and I embraced as soon as I reached him. Touch was still weird to me, for some reason it made my skin crawl and an awful feeling roll off of my spin. It was a special occasion so I allowed an exception for this moment. I tried to not shudder too much, I hadn't talked to anyone about my strange revolution to touch and I'd rather not let anyone know. I didn't want to worry Nii-chan anymore, with everything I had put him through I could not, would not put him through more.

Usami and I exchanged a head nod but for the majority of the time I avoided looking at him. I was scared what I would see in his eyes. Would it just be a sense of friendly indifference, I knew he would never look at me with the same kind of eyes he looked at Nii-chan with but for some reason I couldn't help but hope that was what I would see. I was too scared to look so I didn't.

Part of my recovery was not forcing myself to do this that might cause me the pain I had experienced before; I was told to take it slow. Honestly I didn't know what the best way to 'recover' was. I felt like I was doing okay but at the same time it felt like I was running away from my emotions.

I wish I was stronger, I wish I could face the things I was afraid of head on. Maybe if I was braver none of this would have happened. If I could have been blunt and from the beginning just said what I wanted then maybe none of this would happened. If I could have been better and just let someone in when all this first happened then maybe I could have avoided all of this. My thoughts swirled around my head. Forcing me into a kind of darkness I really didn't want to be in.

I tried not to think about those things anymore as we drove home. Instead I focused on the questions being asked for me. Nii-chan was talking a mile a minute not even allowing me answer or even remember the questions he was asking as he was firing them off to fast. I took a chance look at Usami as he was sitting in the passenger seat and me in the back.

He had his head resting on his hand, staring at Nii-chan as he talked, and amused smile on his face. My heart gave a squeeze of longing; he did still have feelings for Nii-chan. That look told me everything. A dark cloud came over me and suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be alone. I wanted to cruel up and no longer be in this car with the two of them.

Realistically I knew they were together, I knew It meant nothing but somehow it felt like I was right back to where I was a year and a half ago – watching them love each other. It hurt, this is why I left. I didn't want to see it. I felt conflicted, how could I want to see someone so bad and yet not at all. I needed a cigarette.

I didn't answer any more questions, I didn't want to talk.

We pulled up to the house and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I would have thought that Nii-chan would have moved away from this dreadful place. It was the same house, walking in it was the same smell, the same feeling. Immediately I knew I needed to get out of there. Standing in the front door way I turned and walked right back out. I mumbled to Nii-chan that I needed a smoke.

To my surprise I heard footsteps following behind me. I paid it no mind as I pulled out a cigarette and my lighter. Lighting up and taking a drag I could feel the anxiety that closed my throat while inside slowly begin to subside. It was instant relief, the same as cutting for me. Someone came to stand beside me, making me jump in surprise.

Usami stood beside me, lighting a cigarette of his own.

I knew he smoked before my brother and then had given it up for Nii-chan but I hadn't released he had started back up. A warm feeling flooded my systems with the new information I had learned about him. Every piece I learned of him in a silly way made me feel closer to him, even something as trivial as learning he started smoking again. We stayed in silence for a while and for that I was grateful for. I didn't know what he expected from me. Maybe he just wanted a smoke and that was all it was. Did he want to talk? Would it be weird if I said anything to him?

"Are you alright?"

I jumped again as he spoke, not expecting it. I didn't know how to answer. Was I alright? After all this time I didn't understand why I wasn't. I should have been. Jesus Christ, it had been a year. I was tired, for all my trying it didn't feel like I was getting anywhere. I still felt like a small child, one who didn't know how to do anything. Someone who was more trouble than it was worth. Staring at the ground, I decided that maybe for this moment I could be honest.

"Not really" I spoke finally

I turned to look at him and he was looking at me. I expected to see concern or worry, maybe a little ashamed or disgust but instead I found understanding. I felt my breath come out in a release of air. I hadn't even realized I had been holding it. Then he spoke the words that I had been waiting for someone to say to me.

"That's okay."

Out of every therapist and every doctor I had spoken to me it was always a constant push of get better. It was always shoved down my throat that I needed to be better and because I wasn't getting better as fast as they expected to, I wasn't doing well. I felt suffocated and pushed, when really I just need someone to tell me it was okay to not be okay.

Lord help me, I fell even more in love with Usami.

 **Please R & R**


	3. Open Up To Me

**Next Chapter**

 **This chapter is dedicated to** **IsabelleDorito** **. Thank you for your review.**

It was easier than before to walk back into the house. It really was 'the house.' I would never be able to look at it as my home anymore. I wondered if Nii-chan had difficulty with that bathroom as I had but looking at him now it didn't seem as if it did.

I went to my room to put my stuff down, everything looked as I had left it. Bed made, desk set up with all my knickknacks, pictures taped to the wall, and bookcase over flowing with books. The walls were a muted tan color and the bed covers a dark navy blue. Walking over I looked at the pictures I had taped onto the wall. It was one of the things the therapist suggested I do but looking at the now I just wanted to tear them down.

Most of them were from before, before I had met Usami. A time in my life that was hard to remember, me smiling with friends, going on dates, hanging with Nii-chan. The others were from after; in all of them I could tell my smile was fake. It all felt like a lie. I knew if I took them down Nii-chan would worry so I let them be.

I started to unpack my things and as I did I could hear Nii-chan and Usami talking quietly. I didn't want to listen. I knew they mostly talked about me from the other times I had listened in; I didn't want to hear what Usami was telling Nii-chan about what happened outside. I didn't want to see or feel the disappointment I knew was flashing across Nii-chans face.

I was trying.

I wish I was better.

I wish I was someone different.

I didn't have a lot of things, mostly clothes. When I moved I didn't take anything with me. I wanted a fresh start and now coming back; looking at all the things I collected made me smile. Little trinkets from the friends I had made, souvenirs that I myself had bought and most of all pictures. I didn't keep too many but just a few and in these ones I did look happy.

It made me smile.

The days passed quickly after that, Nii-chan made me go back to therapy and it made sense. I knew he was just worried so I couldn't fault him for it. I didn't get to see Usami very much and that made my heart ache. It made sense that I wouldn't see him as there was no reason to now but somehow I thought maybe there might be some lingering feelings that would bring him and me together.

I shouldn't think things like that; I knew I was hurting myself by doing so. How hard had I tried to let go? Why couldn't I? After everything that had happened and everything that is still happening why did I love him so much?

Thoughts like that where useless to. It didn't matter why or that I still did or that even after months of not seeing him and trying not to think of him; seeing him once brought everything forward again. The fact was that I loved him. I needed to be okay with that, I still struggled with being okay with that. After so long of telling myself it was wrong, and it really was wrong, it was hard to make myself believe that it wasn't. Now was a different place in time then when I first fell for Usami.

That was how I justified it to myself, how I explained it to myself. It was wrong when I first fell in love. It was wrong to love my brother's boyfriend, it was wrong to have such feelings, it was wrong to resent my brother because of those feelings. That was the past, that was that moment in time.

This was this moment, where Usami was unattached. Nii-chan had moved on and now they were nothing but good friends. I didn't feel anything but gratitude for my brother. This was now and it was okay to love Usami.

But was it really?

Could I really just say it was okay now when I was the one who broke them up in the first place? If not for me they would be married right now. They would have continued to love each other. Who knows how that line of life could have gone if I wasn't there, if I hadn't felt what I had felt.

It didn't matter though, I had done what I had done and there was no changing the events that happened afterword. I needed to not think like that but wasn't it selfish to take advantage of them not being together and go after Usami?

Stop

It didn't matter and it didn't help thinking like that. I didn't want to think about things like that. Wasn't love supposed to be like falling, easy and effortless? Did the pain mean it mattered that much more? Or did none of it matter? Instead of the scorching pain that I had felt in the past now I struggled with making things matter. Somedays it felt like nothing matter, like everything I went through was for nothing.

It didn't matter what I felt or thought. It did matter what I did or acted on. Nothing matter, that life was just an endless stream of nothingness and as humans we were just trap in an infinity of actions and thoughts that didn't make a damn difference. I didn't want to think about it that way; I wanted to believe there was a god and that the choices we made but us on the path to the destiny that was meant for each specific person.

But I couldn't.

The anxiety closed my throat the more I thought about it. If it didn't matter, what was the point in trying so hard? I could feel my chest constrict and breathing became harder and harder. Panic rose from the very depth of my stomach and up through my throat. My eyes began to water and black spots made my vison even cloudier.

I couldn't breath.

Stop

Please Stop

I couldn't help myself, I needed it to stop. The feeling welding up in my chest was too much for me to handle. I couldn't do it, what made me think I could be better? I brought the knife down across my arm, relishing in the pain that seemed to cut through the mist of panic and fear. Blood poured from the wound, I didn't care. Listening to my heart beat I begin to count.

1, 2, 3

By the time I reached 10 my heart had slowed and all the emotions that were circling me had faded into nothingness. I could breath. Looking down at my arm I immediately felt regret, the guilt beginning to eat at me. Why did I do that? Could I not control myself?

I could already feel Nii-chans disappointment and he didn't even know yet. I didn't want him to know, I didn't want anyone to know. The shame covered my whole body, I wish I could keep it my little secret but I knew I couldn't. As soon as Nii-chan saw me in a long sleeve shirt he knew.

I could see it in his face, in how his eyes turned down and his lips turned down into a frown. He didn't say anything though and for that it surprised me. He didn't yell or tell me how disappointed he was. In all honestly I wish he would, the silence was so much worse. I made dinner and we sat down to eat.

I was a couple bits in when I heard the clinking of silverware being put down. Looking up I saw that Nii-chan was staring at me, but not in a way that I had ever seen before. He looked tired, wither from not enough sleep or from my shenanigans I didn't know.

"Misaki, why? I thought things were better. You seemed happier coming back from your trip. I thought things were better" He spoke

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie, for everything I wasn't better with and was still doing, lying was one of the few things I really was trying not to do. I wanted to get better and I knew the first step was talking about it. Saying all that was easier than doing it. Sometimes I couldn't even make my mouth work or form the words that needed to be said to get me help. Nii-chan let me think and for that I was grateful for, I just needed a moment to put it all together in way that I could actually tell him what was wrong.

"I..I am better, sometimes I just get overwhelmed. I…" I paused

I couldn't. Why couldn't I just speak to him? He's my brother, why can't I just let him in and tell him I needed more help. I was weak. I was weaker then I had ever been. I remained silent until I heard Nii-chan sigh. I chanced a look at him. He had his head in his hands. My shame and guilt skyrocketed and I to dropped my head and eyes to the floor. I knew he didn't understand how hard this was for me just as I didn't understand how hard this was for him. I couldn't fault him for being frustrated and confused. I just wish I could do better.

"Misaki" I jumped as he spoke again but I didn't have the courage to look at him

"You need to let someone in, it may not be me and I've come to be okay with that. You _**have**_ to let someone in or I fear you won't ever get out of this circle."

And with that he got up and left the table without eating a single bite. His words hit me hard, mostly because I knew he was right. I could feel tears prick at my eyes but I didn't let them fall. After all I had put him through I really didn't deserve to cry.

I don't know how long I stayed at the table but after a while I got up and cleared away the plates. I put the food in the fridge and headed to my room. I kept replaying over and over in my head what Nii-chan had said as I laid in bed. I knew he was right, I didn't want to be in the circle forever or worse get to the point where I tried again to kill myself again. I didn't want to be like this anymore and that meant I needed help. I also knew it would never be Nii-chan that I could go to. Who else then? I didn't have anyone else.

A thought hit me hard and before I could think more in depth about it, I was out of the house and running down the road. I had picked up long distance running in American, I wasn't the fastest but I could go for a while. I kept running, I knew exactly were I was going but I didn't think about it. I knew if I stopped to think about it I'd turn back home. I needed to not be afraid anymore.

I stopped in front of a beautiful house with a large oak door. I knocked on it quickly, the cold air making the sweat on my skin turn to chills. My breath came out in bursts of midst, my mind going a millions miles a minute as I stood there, emotions one after another exploding through my body. The door opened.

I was met with beautiful purple eyes and silver hair.

 **Please R & R**

 **Let me know what you think : )**


	4. Point of View

**As Requested:**

 **Takahiro POV.**

I heard Misaki leave. It scared me but I couldn't stop him. Everything had become a guessing game with him, half the time I didn't even know what to say to him. I spent more time struggling with what to say then actually speaking to him. I didn't know how hard or far to push. I was so worried I would say the wrong thing and have him running back to trying to kill himself.

I couldn't go through with that again; for the most part I let him do his own thing but that to made me feel bad. As if I was being a bad friend, brother and father figure by not just getting over my coward impulses and helping him.

But would that help?

Would it help to stop him from going out like he just did? Would it help to watch his every move? Would it help to monitor what he brought in the house and make it so it felt like to him he was living in a cage? I didn't think it would, in fact I thought things like that would make it worse.

I knew I was being too hard on myself. I did do things to help him. I made him go to therapy; I checked his arms for new marks to stay in the know of how he's feeling. I tried to be more in tuned if he had an attitude change or if he started acting different. I felt like I was always watching him.

It terrified me when he went to America, I was so scared he'd get there and everything would fall apart. I understood why he did it though. It made sense in the few words he used to explain it to me. He needed a fresh start with people who didn't know him. It hurt that he couldn't be here and get better. He had to be away from us all to be better. I kept wondering what I could do to make things better.

He wouldn't let me in though.

I wanted so bad to help him, wanted more than anything to be there for him but I couldn't if he didn't tell me what was wrong. We didn't talk about it and I was too scared to ask. The question of why he did it in the first place was never answered. I never read a note or knew why and I still don't. I don't think he'd tell me even if I asked and I couldn't handle the awkward silences that came after I asked a question.

I didn't know how my sweet, open, kind little brother had become this shy, timid, anxiety filled adult. It was hard to watch how it was hard for him to look people in the eyes or to not flinch when someone touched him; to see the scars that covered his wrists and his own shame that covered him like a blanket where ever he went.

I didn't want him to be like this anymore, I blamed myself more then I probably should have for him being like this but in the end I knew it wasn't my fault. There were things I could have handle better and done better that could have maybe prevented all of this but whatever originally put these thoughts and pain in Misakis heart wasn't me.

I've come to learn that fact and accept it. Whatever was and is tearing Misaki up had nothing to do with me. It wasn't about me and for Misakis benefit I've forced myself to believe that. I wanted to understand Misaki's pain, if I couldn't fix it then maybe I could at least be there for him with understanding.

That was the problem though. I didn't understand. I thought I did well raising him, he never needed for anything. He had food, clothes, a roof over his head and people who loved him. Even more so now with Manami living with me, it felt even more like a home for the three of us. Other than the death of our parents Misaki had a rather easy life. He seemed happy, shy and happy, until this last year.

Could it have been the death of our parents? Even as an adult it hit me hard; Misaki was so little and he really didn't get the chance to know our parents. I knew he took it really hard at the time and still lives with it every day but somehow that didn't seem like the right cause for everything that had happened. I couldn't figure it out, I wish I would just ask but even asking didn't mean I'd get an answer.

As I laid there in bed, tossing and turning with worry, I knew I would probably never know the answers to my question. I could only pray that Misaki would find the kind of help that he needed.

 **Usami POV**

It had been a long night pouring over the last chapters of my book. Making the progression lines of a characters story come to life was harder than one may think. I was on my third pot of coffee and it felt like my eyes would go cross eyed at any moment. I sat on the couch and lit a cigarette. The relief it brought was truly something special.

I knew I was hungry but being awful in the kitchen I didn't feel like exploding anything or breaking something In the process of getting food. I missed when Misaki was here. It honestly felt like just yesterday he was living here. Cooking and cleaning, muttering under his breath as he worked. Honestly I found it cute. His food was always the best, I had long eat the frozen meals he had left me when he went back to living with Takahiro.

I thought about the boy more often then I should. At first I struggled with how easy it was for me to switch my affection from one brother to the next. I thought it was disgraceful and coming from a rather proper house it would have been down right shameful. But as time passed and my feelings for Takahiro faded even more I realized that Takahiro was right.

I did love him in a sense, I was happy being with him but it wasn't the kind of love I was searching for. He wasn't it for me, I'm just glad we figured it out before we got married. Even with Misaki I wasn't sure what I felt and that was probably why I was hesitating in moving forward with him. I was unsure.

I hated being unsure.

I knew I felt something for him. As selfish as it was to say; with everything he went and was still going through; I didn't know if I could handle that. It was the wrong way to think, I knew that. It didn't mean it in a mean way; I didn't want to go after him if I was unsure if he was what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt him more. I didn't want to be a reason he spiraled down again. It was hard to think about; I liked loving someone, being with someone but I knew the next time I'd be with someone it needed to be right.

Before Misaki left for America we had gone on a few dates. I was happy he stopped them though; it was too fast and too much. I also didn't want Misaki to be just a rebound. Maybe it was because I had been away from him for so long and that was why I was so unsure. I could lie and say I didn't long to see him.

It was hard though and I myself wasn't even sure that I was ready to jump in with someone even if I was sure of my feelings. It was all so frustrating. It also didn't help that I couldn't stop thinking of him. I had rather good self-control but I couldn't control myself when it came to thoughts of him.

I was worried about Misaki. Even with all my unsureness and indecisiveness I still thought about him constantly. I wondered if he was doing okay, if he was getting better, if he had been eating okay. I had spoken to Takahiro on the phone a couple times and it was always the same for Misaki.

"He's getting better every day but sometimes he has relapses."

That's what Takahiro would say and in the end that gave me no comfort. I wanted to help but I didn't know what or how to. I honestly didn't even know if I should keep myself in the picture or move on. Could I even move on? A knock on the door startled me out of my thoughts, putting down my coffee I moved to open the door.

Standing there, out of breath, staring at me with the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen was Misaki.

 **R & R**

 **I'm a little unsure of weather to have Misaki be with Usami or not. I'm getting mixed reviews. Let me know what you think**


	5. Caterpillar

**Usami's POV.**

I just stared at him, I know I should have said something but the surprise of Misaki being at my front door startled any words out of my head. He was panting as if he had been running. There was a look of determination in his eyes. As the silence dragged on I could see that determination turn into something more timid as his head dropped and shoulders saged inward.

He turned to leave and that's when my sense's came back to me. He was here; I only needed to focus on that. I was just thinking I wanted to do something for this boy and now here was my chance. I couldn't just let him leave. I couldn't be cruel.

"Do you want to come in?"

His head shot up and he stared at me and I realized then he honestly expected me to tell him to leave. I knew I hadn't been the nicest to him, especially when me and Takahiro first broke up but I was more angry because Misaki didn't realize quite how much he was loved more than the fact that it broke me and Takahiro up.

So many emotions flashed across his face as he came into to my house. The moved to quickly for me to identify what he was feeling. He immediately went to go make some tea. I was grateful for this as I was tired of the coffee I had been drinking. Misakis tea was the only tea I could drink, I don't know how he made it but it was delicious.

I wondered why he was here; he had actually said anything yet. I wondered if it was a good idea to have let him in. Yes, I wanted to help but was this the right kind of help?

Misaki sat down on the couch across from mine after giving me my cup of tea with a plate of sugar and cream so I could make my own cup. I didn't say anything but instead waited. He came here so obviously he had something he wanted to say. It wasn't my place to interrupt. I was nearly done making my cup when I heard an intake of breath but still I waited.

"I'm sorry to show up here unannounced" He finally said, I looked up at him and he had his head down and arms sandwiched between his thigs. Still I remained silent, stirring my tea and looking at him, waiting for the real things he wanted to say.

It was hard to watch him struggle. Even before he had left for America there was a clear difference from the Misaki now and the Misaki I had met nearly two years before. It was like even just talking to someone for him now was like trying to throw a cat into a tub of water; difficult and hard to watch. Every move he made was closed in and the bubble he kept around himself nearly impenitrual. I had hoped the America would have changed something but looking at him now I knew it hadn't.

"I…I don't know why I came here…I…." He paused again.

That made me angry; he knew why he was here. There was something he wanted to say, why couldn't he just spit it out. Maybe I wasn't being compassionate enough but I wasn't going to sit here and listen to him give me excused instead of saying what he really wanted to.

I stood and Misaki looked up at the movement. I could see shame and worry flash across his eyes; if I had blinked I would have missed it. I knew I was about to be harsh but it was too late, or early depending on how you looked at it, and I was too tired to care. Plus I think Misaki needed a push, I knew Takahiro would never push Misaki. He was too worried about doing something wrong. I was worried about that to but at the same time I think Misaki needed some tough-loving.

"You came here for a reason, I don't know what that reason is and maybe you don't either but there was a purpose. If you're not going to tell me or help yourself by just spiting it out, then you can just get out." I turned to walk up the stairs to my area.

I was tired of the bullshit with him, it was time he started to help himself. I made it to the first step and I paused. I was hoping he would come after me, tell me what was really on his mind but as I took the second step up my hope diminished completely. I paused again and turned back slightly to look at Misaki, to see the reaction to my words.

His head was in his hands, I couldn't see his ever expressive eyes and I couldn't tell what he was thinking. His body was even more curved in. I felt a slight moment of remorse but I shook it off, I wasn't in the habit of second guessing my actions or regretting something that was already done. I made it to the step before last when I heard his voice ring out through the silent air.

"Wait"

I paused but stayed where I was, I heard Misaki move but I didn't look. I just waited; it felt like forever before he spoke again. It all came out in a rush but I was more than proud of him for finally speaking his mind and I felt honored that it was me he chose to come to.

He told me about how he wanted to be better. How he was trying but it felt like everytime he made a step forward he felt like he'd take two steps back. He told me how the anxiety claws and nags at him constantly and sometimes it becomes too much to handle. He told me how he was unsure how to even help himself and how he could see everyone around him wanted to help him but nothing was working. He told me about things that happened in America and things that he wanted to do now that he was back – like go to school and get a job. He told me how the fear of his anxiety and panic kept him from doing those. How he didn't think he was smart enough or good enough to get into the school he wanted to.

He just kept going and going. It was like once the flood gates had broken there was nothing that could stop him. The words just kept coming and oddly enough I was okay with just sitting there on the top step of the stairs, looking down at him as he had come to stand at the bottom of the stairs, listening to him talk.

It made me smile because I knew this was the most he had talked to anyone in over two years. I felt pride that he was finally making a step in the right direction and he chose me of all people to make that step with. I could feel my heart thumping in my chest and a small blossom of feelings like the beginning stages of a butterfly flutter up into my consciousness.

I listen closely until he was finished and when he looked up at me for the first time he started talking an adorable blush spread across his whole face, which made me smile even more. He started stumbling over an apology but I stopped him. I put a lot of thought into the words I used, he had finally opened up. I didn't want to make it so he closed in again.

"Don't apologies, thank you for talking to me. I enjoyed listening. You are always welcome to come and talk to me about anything big or small. It's late and I'd like to go to bed. You are welcome to sleep on my couch. Goodnight, Misaki"

The taste of his name on my tongue left me wanting more. Looking at his happy green eyes I knew I had said the right things. After one last look I went to my room, closed the door and laid down on my king sized bed. I could hear the toys scattered on the floor making noise and that brought me comfort. Thinking about the night I couldn't help but smile again.

Misaki was on a good path, one foot in front of the other. I was just happy I could help.

 **Please R & R**

 **Next chapter will be in Misaki POV I promise, I just thought this chapter would be told better through Usami's eyes. Let me know what you think.**


	6. One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

**Misaki POV**

As I lay there a feeling bubbled up in my belly, at first I couldn't place it. It wasn't happy, of course I was happy but that wasn't what this feeling was. I then realized what it was, pride. I was proud of myself. For the first time in a really long time I felt like I had taken a step forward. I had spoken to someone about what I was feeling. That in itself was truly amazing.

It felt good; it felt like I had taken a good solid step forward. A step in the right direction. It had been so long since I had felt anything good towards myself. Even through all my recovery and trying to be better I hadn't had any good thoughts towards myself. In fact I tried not to think about myself very often because I knew it would lead me down a path that I didn't want to go. I didn't want to think about the darker things inside my mind, my demons but here I was actually satisfied with how I acted and glad that I had done what I had done.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea who I did it with, maybe he was just annoyed with me for my uninvited stumble into his life again but I didn't want to think about it that way. I didn't want to think so negatively about everything anymore. I wanted to be a new me.

I fell asleep with that the only thought on my mind.

The next day I awoke early, made breakfast for Usami and then left to go home before Usami even woke up. The breakfast was my apology and my thank you to Usami and I just hoped he would like it. I knew I needed to get home, I hadn't told Nii-chan were I was going or even that I was going out. I could have just called but at the same time I knew Usami wasn't the only person that I needed to talk to. Nii-chan deserved more then what I was giving him.

I was tired of being so scared, I was tired of hurting Nii-chan, I was tired of every emotion I had to go through on a daily bases because I was too anxious and sad. I really didn't want to admit that I was sad. It sounded so embarrassing and ridicules. I didn't want to think that way anymore. There was nothing wrong with me for feeling the emotions I feel. Looking back at everything now I realized that I may have wanted to get better and had pushed myself to go through the steps but I wasn't actually accepting the help I was receiving. Nobody was going to make me better except for me, and that's where I needed to start.

When I got home, Nii-chan was sitting at the table, head in his hands with a cup of coffee in front of him. I wondered if he had slept at all. I probably worried about him the same amount, if not more, than he did about me. I sat down in the seat across from him and he looked up when he heard the noise. A look of relief came across his face and I wondered what he thought I was doing all night. I took a deep breath and then I started saying what I should have said months ago. What I hadn't had the courage to do until this morning.

"I'm sorry, Nii-chan. I know this can't be easy for you watching me struggle. I know that you still don't know why I did it and I'm still not sure I can give you the answers you're looking for. I want you to know, it's not your fault. You have been the most amazing brother in world, you have helped me through everything life had thrown my way and even then you still love me. I worry I've ruined your life more than words can say and for that I'm sorry. I love you and I'm so very sorry"

My voice cracked on the last word and I could feel my eyes become moist with water droplets wetting my eye lashes. I wouldn't let them fall. Nii-chan wasn't looking at me and for a moment I felt as if I had made a horrible decision in talking to him. That was until I saw his shoulder shaking with quiet sobs and I had to go to him. I went besides him, dropping to my knees and wrapped him in a hug.

I didn't like being touched or touching others but for this moment, he needed me as much as I needed him. I felt him give into my hug, throwing his arms around me. It felt good, I felt good. I had done something to ease his burden. I could only hope my words were the right ones. That they conveyed everything I couldn't say and everything I felt. I knew just a few words could never bridge everything across but I could tell Nii-chan understood.

"Thank you" He spoke, no more than a whisper "I've been so worried about you; I kept thinking it was my fault and you hated me. I know this is hard for you and I can't stand watching you struggle. I had thought you didn't think I was here for you but now I see that you have felt my support this whole time. Thank you. Don't apologies, it's okay to not feel so good sometimes. You haven't ruined anything, I'm just happy your here with us."

He pulled away from me at the end and stared me in the eyes. This time I didn't flinch away, I stared straight back into his blue eyes and when he smiled at me I smiled back. I left it on that note, already it had been an eventful morning and I could feel the mental exhaustion from pushing myself so much. No, it wasn't that I was pushing myself. I wanted to do the things I've done this last day. I wanted to make steps forward but the fatigue that came from it was greater than I expected.

I stepped into the shower, letting the hot water loosen the knots forming in my back and shoulders. I didn't think well I was in the shower. I just let it sooth me into a near comatose state, the hot water doing wonders for my aching mind and body. It didn't last for long though. Stepping out of the shower I wrapped a towel around me and stared into the mirror that was so fogged up I couldn't even see my own reflection.

I hadn't seen what I looked like in I don't even know how long. I didn't look at myself anymore; I remembered what I looked like from before. So skinny my cheek bones and ribs stuck out, hair dry and dirty from lack of care, my eyes flat and lifeless, and arms wrapped tightly with bandages. I didn't want to see and that made me angry.

I was so tired of running away from what I had done.

I pulled the towel off me and wiped the mirror down so I could see; see what I had done to myself. Standing there in all my naked glory, I took in everything. I was still too skinny; I could see my bone sticking through my skin, my skin itself was to pale from lack of sun and my eyes still had hollow divots under them. My arms though not wrapped anymore didn't look any better, I could see the little cuts from when I first started, I could see them getting progressively worse, I could see the new ones that were still healing but most of all I could see the ones that almost killed me. Long, deep vertical cuts that went up my arms; purple with shades of pink around the edges.

It made me angry; this is what I have done. As I faced myself head on I realized what exactly I had been doing to myself. I didn't look good, I didn't look healthy, and I didn't look like someone who was in recovery. I looked the same as when I started. I didn't want to see anymore. The more I look the angrier I became. I was angry at myself.

I was so scared and such a coward for so long, how could I have not seen what I was doing? Before I knew it my fist went forward and I smashed the glass. Instantly pain welled up in my hand and my face as glass shards went flying. After it was all said and done I stared shocked at my hand, wondering where all that came from. My body begin to shake with the emotional roller coaster I had been on. I couldn't believe what I had just done. When was the last time I was angry? I stared at the glass around me and the broken mirror on the wall and began to cry. I don't know why I was crying; maybe it was too much too fast. I could just feel this pressure welding up from my tummy and into my throat; it pushed on my eyes and made it hard to breath.

Was it always going to be one step forward and two steps back?

 **Please R & R**

 **I always enjoy hearing from those that read my story. Any ideas or Comment let me know!**


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